The Gamers Arms

Glad to see Edinburgh and York are both on the top 10 healthiest list!

Medicine Man wrote: ↑

Thu Sep 12, 2019 2:24 pm

As long as its not bodies or bits of bodies coming out in those bags I'm a happy camper.

When they first moved in they handed in multiple gift bags of stuff; chocolate, wine, candles all sorts of shit. We figured they were just being neighbourly so returned the gesture with a wee house warming thing, but almost on a weekly basis they would be at the door with stuff, I was really uncomfortable with it all they didn't speak enough english to really communicate. Once they came to the door with a massive carrier bag full of cherries, it was totally bizarre. I kept telling them that there was no need for all this, but they were always at the door with something or other including this chinese thing that looked like a cake, smelt like a cake, but tasted like it shot forth from satan's rancid testicles. They were always cooking stuff in the garden too not on a BBQ or anything I'm talking chicken on a spit over an open fire kind of stuff. We're smack bang in the middle of a council estate ffs and they're living it up Bear Grylls style in the back garden, it was really weird.

At first it seemed that it was a young couple with a baby, but it quickly became apparent that they weren't staying there and it was an older couple and another younger fella. None of them acted like they were together they always walked separate from each other and generally didn't seem to fit together if you know what I mean. They seemed to befriend the elderly gentleman next door to them to the point of maybe being a little too forward and pushy with him in terms of taking over his garden for the aforementioned Survivor recreations. I would've been concerned about it if the old guy wasn't always away with his caravan all the time and he didn't seem to mind their company.

In retrospect the whole thing was just odd and should have had the old spidey sense tingling. I probably let it slide simply due to trying to be overly accommodating because they were weren't from around here if that makes any sense. Hey ho onto the next ones I suppose. Who's it going to be next?

I was insinuating that they'd be giving you samples of their *ahem* product

Not to my knowledge they haven't, but who knows what was in that cake thing and for that matter everything else they've sent our way.

You know, where we live hasn't, to my knowledge, ever appeared in the news. Is this like the third or fourth time for you?

Third time for next door alone, forth or fifth for the neighbourhood in recent memory anyway. Drugs, murder, suicide and hacking up prostitutes aplenty.

Maybe the missus plan of moving wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

I think it sounds like a really good plan!

To be fair, what else can you do in Falkirk except get high and look at the kelpies?

Go to the Wheel? And... the aforementioned Greggs?!

Its a regular Disney World.

Where I'm from down in the forest of dean can be picturesque and some wonderful things to see and do, but living here can be a right shitter.

Oxford is the UK's most "woke" city, according to some bullshit. So that's nice, I guess.

We had to get our intern to explain what the fuck "woke" meant.

Drarok wrote: ↑

Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:29 pm

Oxford is the UK's most "woke" city, according to some bullshit. So that's nice, I guess.

We had to get our intern to explain what the fuck "woke" meant.

This goes straight into my Room 101 list.

Which bit?

Just another update on the next door situation up here in the ghetto. There was a burglary or at least an attempted one last night at the old abandoned drug den next door. I was lying in bed just after midnight when there was a series of bangs coming from round the back (see avatar ) which I put down to our other alcoholic next door neighbour rattling about drunkenly in his kitchen, but when the bangs turned to smashing glass it was time to spring forth from the chariot and investigate. I stick my head out the window to see what was going on and saw some dude skulking in the shadows. After parsing the situation mentally for a few moments I let out the standard Scottish exclaimation in these circumstances "haw sir, whit the fuck are ye daein!?" This seemed to confuse the gentleman for a second as he looked around puzzled and said something panicking to what I assume was his accomplice. So I shouted again. "I said haw sir, whit the fuck dae ye think yer daeing!?" It was at this point the penny dropped for our intrepid young vagabond and he and his associate hot footed it out of there pronto. Of course I wasn't having that and decided to chase them.

Out the front door I flew, after instructing the missus to call the cops, I was half way down the street before I realised I hadn't any clothes on and the whippersnappers were no where to be seen. After composing myself and firing on some clothes I went and had a little explore next door, they had smashed the kitchen window and clearly tried to pan the back door in (again see avatar) but hadn't gotten into the house which is empty anyway, but what kind of genius chucks a brick through a window in the dead of night expecting no one to hear it? Where's the finesse? You just can't get the staff these days. Of course after heading back out the neighbours garden the cops show up and hit me with an unbelievably bright spotlight. A quick explanation later and all was cool, but I was just thankful I had the piece of mind to slap some clothes on before they dazzled me with the bat signal otherwise it could've been a tad awkward to say the least.

Long story short someone tried to break in next door. I disturbed them and chased them bollock naked down the street. The cops turned up and a fun time was had by all. Although not as fun as it could've been had I not put clothes on first.

In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shouted and just quietly called the rozzers, perhaps they would have been caught then, but then hindsight is always 20/20 when you don't go rampaging down the street with your cock out.

Mental image of a mad Scottish Edwin running down the street with his tallywacker slapping off his thighs..