Apprentice 2022

[Raid]

The "with regret" bit bugs me almost as much. He can't possibly have become attached to that argumentative idiot in the first week.

[Snowy]

I have always like to think that "with regret" is Sralan's being polite. What he really wants to do is scramble over the desk, calling Claude in to hold that week's bell-end down while he repeatedly kerb-stomps them into the boardroom table, teeth and gore spattering across the desk, Karen giving that well-practiced look of mild disgust, that slight lift of one side of her mouth, as a piece of filling lands in her glass of water.

"Seriously you Edwin?" roars Sralan, "You think I am investing anything in something like you, you should-have-been-a-wank? That is verging on fucking fraud you weaselly smear of shite! Be glad we have no windows here or you would be taking the direct route to the taxi, now get out of my fucking sight!"

Hence why it is, with regret (cue the bent finger), you're fired...

[Sly Boots]

What he probably meant was "with regret, you've been such an Edwin I don't have any choice but to fire you, when I'd really love to fire the dribbling moron who concocted one of the worst things I've ever seen on this show".

[Raid]

"With regret, the only thing I can do is point my finger at you, instead of cutting you into bloody chunks and selling the pieces at Greenwich market."

[Achtung Englander]

"you're fired"

"well I wasn't really employed to begin with"

[Raid]

Meet your new toothbrush mascot!

[Snowy]

Ha I went into the show waiting for the inspiration for that

Another turd, and I don't just mean the toothbrush!

[Sly Boots]

The boys are really married to that brown and green colour scheme, aren't they?

For some reason they once again looked shocked that people didn't like it

[Wrathbone]

As shit as the turdbrush was, the app from the other team looked like they'd pointed at a load of 90s clipart and washed their hands of it.

[Sly Boots]

As shit as the turdbrush was, the app from the other team looked like they'd pointed at a load of 90s clipart and washed their hands of it.

Agreed. I can only assume they got orders because they absolutely blagged both pitches and promised they'd change basically everything about their product and app.

If the boys team had produced anything even semi-competent (let's not forget how dull their app was) it would have been an open goal, you feel.

[Raid]

Wow, this week's was just a complete failure all round, and not just from the contestants. The show's format clearly relies on the candidates not fully understanding what they're doing, and that leads to that hideous bullshitting that they do when talking to clients that know what they're talking about. Going into price negotiations without knowing the market prices is just stupid, then expecting them to become expert fishmongers preparing unfamiliar animals to sell at restaurant standard quality is even worse. They were selling products they didn't yet have, at quality levels they didn't understand, at prices they couldn't accurately judge...and then one team simply forgot to sell what they'd be catching, which is mind-blowing.

But the worst part of all of this... who thinks that six rocket leaves is worth a quid? What planet is she from? Was it just a red herring thrown in by the producers? You could walk into any M&S and buy that £90 worth of garnish for less than a tenner, and that's hardly the world's cheapest supermarket.

[Alan]

The psychopathy of fishing is horrendous.

[Raid]

I certainly cringed when the women removing the crabs from the baskets were just lobbing the poor things into the bucket. The contestants were panicking like a 50s cartoon housewife that had just seen a mouse. I can't say I know the tensile strength of crab knees, but as they're hardly known for their jumping ability, I wouldn't be just dropping them from a height like that.

[Sly Boots]

So, the gaming episode then.

I'm confused about the earth-shattering originality of the environmental theme, when I'm pretty sure I played a game on that very theme in the early 90s called James Pond. But hey-ho.

I'm bemused that the jail one got orders considering how insanely boring the game actually was, and the fact the animations made the main character look like she'd shat herself.

I guess the right game one, and the right person got the sack, but two quite unimpressive creations there.

[Wrathbone]

I wonder if any of them had any concept of who Ian Livingstone is and why presenting that shite to him was laughable.